Oh Mr. Lady Bug

Most people would have said that today was not a good beach day.  It was cloudy and raining off and on and this type of weather keeps most people away.  Even though it was a "flawed" beach day for most, in my eyes it turned out to be a beach day of perfection.

I walked out on the beach in my running gear, slipped off my running shoes and sat there in the sand watching the ocean.  A thick white and grey cloud blanketed the normal blue sky.  Under the quilted blanket layer of of clouds there were smaller independant clouds that were rolling in.  These clouds were patchy, thiner clouds and they moved fast as if they are in a hurry to get somewhere.  Each of these clouds took the shape of an animal.  First a duck went by, then there was an elephant, a crab followed and seemed to be chased by a strange looking rabit... and as each animal cloud passed, it gracefully faded into nothing as if it were never there.  It was a beautiful cloud carousel in the sky.

Meanwhile, the thicker layer of clouds would occasionally have a small tear in the quilted blanket that  allowed the sun to shine through like it was playing a game of peek-a-boo with the ocean.  When I would catch the sun in its game of peek-a-boo it was this perfect bright white circle that I could look directly into.  It was so eager to shine.

My attention moved to the ocean.  The beautiful endless ocean that was 15 different shades of blues and greens.  Surfers were resting on their boards hoping to catch the few waves that were out there.  The sun would shower the top of the water with diamonds and then the clouds were dancing shadows and they would take turns.  The water would creep up on the shore and the small little "beach" birds were playing tag with the waters edge.  The ocean was one big playgound.

I layed back and let my body settle into the damp sand.  I closed my eyes embracing the rawness of the most perfect gloomy beach day. The wind grazed my skin, that gave good sensations.  The breeze reminded me that I needed to feel this moment, really be in this moment of beauty. I found my time on the beach today to be a time of clairity, which I needed.

I saved the best part of today for last.  The sun had started to shine a little brighter.  I wanted to spread the sun's kisses to my back of my pale legs so I decided to turn over on my belly and lay for a bit.  As I'm laying there about to doze off I felt something hit my check and instead of reacting and slapping what was on my face, I reached up very gently and picked it off.  It was now in my hands...a lady bug.  Out of no where a lady bug landed on my face.  That completed my perfect day.  The little lady bug had no idea how important it was for me that he had choosen me to land on.  The lady bug quickly became my friend and he just hung out crawling on my hands for the rest of my time at the beach as if he wanted to keep me company.  I talked to him (yea it was a him, I think all lady bugs are guys) telling him that he was really cool and he had perfect timing.  Mr. Lady Bug gave me all the meaning I needed and I could stop searching for the day.  I sat up, placed him on my shoulder, put on my shoes and left the beach.  As much as I wanted to bring Mr. Lady Bug home and keep him, I decided to drop him off on a tree leaf that was on my beach path. I am pretty sure he had other things to do today.

Today I went to visit the ocean and ended up visiting what was, what is, and what could be.  The cloud carousel in the sky with the sun playing peek-a-boo was my past when I was younger and my imagination would run wild.  It is what was.   The wind and the sand gave me the present.  It gave me the what is.  It was here and it was now and this was my time, my feeling.  This moment was whatever I made of it, it was up to me to see the beauty and meaning in the flawed beach day.  The oean gave me the future, the what will be.  A future of constant movement and endless possibilities.  The future that is guided but ultimately up to me to go there.

As for Mr. Lady Bug...well he was my reminder.  He reminded me that there is hope, and luck and there will always be something or someone that is listening.  He also gave me reality, that there is not always meaning in things.  Maybe my lucky Mr. Lady bug just accidently ran into my cheek while flying through the air on this windy beach day and the reason he stuck around with me was becuase he was terrified that I would squash him and scared to death that I was talking to him.  Maybe while I found him to be the best part of my day, he in turn found me to be the worst part of his.  Maybe I stopped him from whatever it was he was doing on this gloomy beach day.   Maybe he wrote about it in his blog ;  )

Last Night

This year has been somewhat trying for me.  As I sit here surrounded by roaches (which I have seen way to many of recently), mosquito's sucking on every piece of my exposed sweaty skin, missing out on yoga that is taking place right upstairs...I stare at my car sitting in the lonely parking lot and start to think back to when I purchased my Honda Civic a little over three years ago.  With this thought  I can honestly say that since this purchase I have had a insane amount of bad luck.  Actually, I am just going to go ahead and say that I do believe this car has been my "voodoo doll" for the past 3 years.  It all makes sense now, 2 failed relationships, 5 random car accidents and even more break downs, a questionable social life, disapointing bank account (thanks car payment), and a very unsuccessful career path are all because I bought this tainted 2005 Honda Civic.

Frustration and anger overwhelm me as I wait for over an hour on not only a car battery service but also a lock smith because when it rains it pours and so not only did my battery die but yes 15 minutes later I lock my keys in the car.  Sitting here waiting with my new bestfriends Agner and Frustration and my oh so reliable civic, I have the time to not only discover what I think is a new breed of cockroach( that is somewhat cute?)  but also reflect on all of the "special features" that clearly came with the purchase of this new car 3 years ago.  I guess I should have read the small print that said..." Rachael, with the automatic lock system and keyless entry, with no extra charge we throw in a ridicules amount of bad luck lasting for the next 3 to 5 years".  Oh Lucky Me, where do I sign!  Oh and judging by the time it is taking the lock smith and the battery tech to come and service my car this evening, even though stressed to Triple A that I was "not in a safe location"....I am guessing Triple A and Honda are in business together.  How sweet.

On the flip side I also had the time to slap myself in the face with reality. While sometimes I might feel as if I live in a third world country with all my "poor me" stories, I know that I have the good life.  I am faced with small challenges like everyone else, some are a whole lot worse than mine.  Tonight I learned that at times like this it is easy to count and blame all the bad things that have happened to me and start feeling sorry for myself as if it is me against the world.  The hard part is to see the bigger picture, see how and with who you have overcome  each and every challenge with.  That is success, that is life.  The good is never easy, the good is always hard, harder to see and harder to gain.  But when you finally do see the good, it will all make sense and it will all be worth it.

RIP Chooch

Chooch gave us many good years of love. She came into our family and held her own with Spot and instantly fit into our family perfectly. She would bark when we hugged, She made funny noises and her little legs made her stand tall when she wanted a piece of her favorite yellow cheese. She was beautiful and one of a kind. We are lucky to have her live on through her pup Ocean the choochie "minni me". Chooch, thank you for being such a big part of our family and for your loyalty. You were made for our family and we will love you forever...tell Spot we say hi and we miss her and you guys have fun up in Doggie Heaven.

" I Won't Let You Fall, But I will Push You"

Last night in yoga while "attempting" to do a balance (full moon tonight so balance was a bit off)I hear my yoga teacher say to another student as he is helping her with her focus "I won't let you fall, but I will push you". It might sound silly but I think I was meant to hear those words like it was my own personal message indirectly spoken to me. It put a new perspective on my current situation.

Since my last post I have found out that I will no longer have a job come December 23. I am now a statistic but one of the lucky ones. I am in a great position to recover and I have a great opportunity to move on to something new that will make me a lot happier than where I have been for the past year, maybe longer. By no means have I been in a bad place but I have been at a standstill just comfortable enough to not make anything else happen. As I sat in my office listening to what I new would come out of my bosses mouth at our random 1pm meeting, given him no satisfaction whatsoever, I calmly asked him to repeat my final date, wrote it down, said "it is what it is, and thank you" smiled and told him he could "leave my door open please and thank you" (he wanted to shut my door as if I was going to burst into tears or write an angry blog ; ) )

If you know my boss , all that came with my job, and the events leading up to this day, you know how hard it was for me to just sit there and take it. I can't say it was a complete shock or that I hadn't dreamed of me having an out(a bit differently of course)! Needless to say I was relieved, excited and terrified of whats next but I instantly went into survivor mode, not one of panic but a calm and relaxed survivor state. At that moment for the first time ever I felt like a grown up, I had no choice but to start the preparation for whats next. I have to think where do I want to live, what do I want to do, how am I going to make money if there is downtime and how can I save more. Of course I cried, not sad tears but as if I had been a joke, as if I had been taken advantage of and cut out of something that I worked hard to be part of, but I didn't waste many tears on this.

I don't think it was anything less than a miracle that early that morning before I was "let go" I had booked my plane ticket to Brooklyn, NY to visit my brother and his fiancee, my mom and dad who where also visiting them for the weekend and at the last minute my little brother decided to drop everything and fly up with me. I needed and wanted to be with my family and some how all the stars aligned perfectly without me knowing, making it happen like they new this was the plan all along. I spent the most amazing weekend in NY, enjoying my family and realizing how much we have all grown up, how strong we have all become and how moments like that are what life is really about.

My mantra for the next few days is "be thankful, be open, let go, move on". I will work hard for the next 4 months wrapping up all the loose ends to the amazing projects I have been lucky enough to be part of, because it is all for the greater good. Meanwhile, I will explore my options and really dig deep within myself to determine what path will take me to where I really want to be. Meanwhile I will have to figure out where it is that I "really want to be" ; ) I will also be wrapping up my time in Wilmington. Saying my goodbyes to the beautiful beach town that helped me figure out who I was within, introducing me to a level of personal happiness and confidence that I didn't know I had. I have to embrace this point in my life and the change it might bring relocating me somewhere other than my comfortable home I have made here for the past six years.

Some one gave me the "push" that I needed, knowing that I had amazing support from family and friends and strength within myself to not let me "fall". Thank you.